From the Horse’s Mouth
Sometimes, you need to stop and really see what’s right in front of you. I mean this literally, not in that “smell the roses” way because everybody is always telling you about the flowers but no one ever tells you to watch out for escalators. See, the escalator was broken today and I had to be really vigilant because when an escalator is not moving you realize that the risers are freakishly short and if you are not paying attention you will look like a Clydesdale on a Stairmaster and we all know Clydesdales are always drunk on Budweiser which means that it would not be a pretty sight at all. I was pretty much an Escalatory Gazelle today but the other people? Drunk Clydesdales. I never look more graceful than other people so I would like to thank all of the Drunk Clydesdales for making my day. Unfortunately, for every day like this, there are a million others when I have poked myself in the eye, hit myself in the head with a door, or tripped on carpet or uneven concrete. Here are a few of my clumsy moments:
- I once hit myself in the forehead with the claw end of a hammer.
- I learned the hard way that using a metal guard rail as a balance beam is a very bad idea.
- I fell while showing off on ice skates, forcefully inserting the rear tip of the skate blade into my own rear and giving me unique insight into the phrase “ripping someone a new asshole”.
- I tore my ACL playing rugby and by “playing rugby” I mean running across the practice field and stepping in a hole.
- I broke my knee cap slipping on a patch of ice.
- While getting in the car, I managed to ram the pole of the bike rack into my eye.
- When Miguel was 2, I decided to teach Miguel how to jump out of a swing. Instead, he learned that people can’t get up after they jump out of swings.
- In an attempt to show Miguel how to do the monkey bars, I rammed my head into the first rung and pinched a nerve in my neck.
- Remember the sledding incident? Yeah, there was that.
- Luisa badly burned the top of her shoulder making mashed potatoes a couple of years ago which makes me laugh every single time I think about it (Sorry, honey – I know it hurt but it is too good not to include it here).
Feel free to add your own clumsy moments in the comments. For now, I’m going to enjoy my escalator victory because I’ll probably fall in a well later today.
Have a great weekend!
Posted: April 23rd, 2010 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Blazer
Time April 23, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Let’s just say that this past Christmas Eve I severely sprained my ankle (crutches and all) walking to the bathroom.
Comment from anthony
Time April 23, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Have you ever seen that commercial for window cleaner where the birds are laughing at the guy who walks into the sparkling clean sliding glass door? I brought that scene to life once at a hotel. The entire front of the hotel was glass, and I might add, very well cleaned. I was dragging my suitcase behind me to go check in and walked right into the glass wall. The bellboys were both worried about me and highly amused.
Comment from Eliza
Time April 23, 2010 at 3:45 pm
I severely sprained my wrist playing tennis last summer. And by “playing tennis,” I mean I was hitting a ball against a wall and tripped myself.
Comment from elliB
Time April 23, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I’ve injured myself too many time to recall. But one of the most memorable was about 7 or so years ago. On the day before Christmas Eve I slipped in the tub and kicked the faucet really hard, breaking and completely displacing my 2nd to last toe. It was so mangled that they almost had to do surgery to fix it so I could wear a regular shoe. It’s still a little crooked to this day, when I curl my toes my foot looks a bit like it’s making a peace sign.
Comment from Kelly
Time April 23, 2010 at 4:43 pm
I managed to sprain an ankle while watching Glee. The really pathetic part is I was doing exercises for physical therapy at the time.
Comment from Missy
Time April 23, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Broke my leg riding my bike into a mailbox.
Comment from Rachel
Time April 24, 2010 at 7:45 am
My eyes were closed when I was washing one of my legs and I got off balance and fell out of the shower. There, I said it.
Comment from leigh
Time April 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm
i can’t i am lol and i feel so guilty! – (like the time i watched one of those funny home video shows) and i am not even catholic (thank god:)
Comment from AA
Time April 29, 2010 at 10:37 pm
These are hilarious.
Here are a few of mine.
I once cut my knee so badly that it required stitches– I cut in on my new license plate that was in the plastic pocket on the door of the truck. Umm, yeah, really. I stabbed my big toenail with an exacto knife. I pulled a muscle in my buttocks when I was trying to act like I was lighting the Olympic torch my leaning toward the chandelier while at the same time kicking my leg behind me to turn on the light switch. Okay, it seemed funny at the time,and I was much younger. It almost worked.
Comment from Shelly
Time May 4, 2010 at 9:14 am
Clearly I’m not as brave as you because all of my clumsy moments involve me spilling some coffee into my purse or something equally unexciting and non-humorous. Your’s are awesome! And, really awful. 
Comment from Meredith
Time May 4, 2010 at 12:08 pm
2 weeks ago while bike riding with my daughter, I turned back to tell her that she has to more careful riding her bike. I then immediately rode right into a fence.
Comment from meridith
Time April 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm
In my more heavily hippie days, I hugged a tree and when I stepped away it fell on my head. Awesome.