Over The River

IMG_3044I woke up with a horrible headache. It was the kind of headache I imagine you would have if you woke up in a Vegas hotel wearing only rainbow striped socks and a live chinchilla as a stole. For the record, I woke up fully clothed and secure in the knowledge that I hadn’t had a drop to drink the night before but that was little consolation as I crawled out of bed, keeping one eye closed as if seeing only half the world would make half as painful.

I dragged myself into the kitchen and considered making coffee but remembered that I had run out of half and half on Monday and that’s when I figured out the source of my pain.

I hadn’t had coffee since Monday.

With one eye closed and my head held perfectly still so that my brain didn’t feel as if it might slide out of my ear, I got Zeca up, sent her to her guitar lesson, showered, made Zeca breakfast and then headed out to run errands.

I needed to go to Barnes and Noble to get comic books to send to Miguel at camp so I figured I would grab a latte from Starbucks then grab the comic books and then stop at the store for half and half.

I got into the car, put on my sunglasses and opened both eyes and drove.

My mind wandered as I headed down Hiawatha and towards the river. I thought about our upcoming wedding and I thought about who I would invite and I thought about the fact that some of the people who witnessed our vows in 2000 would not be there this time around. I contemplated how the years change us and our relationships.  I imagined exchanging vows with Luisa and got a little teary.  I was full of emotion so, when I stopped at 46th and Hiawatha, I felt compelled to give the homeless man standing there the last of my cash.

I continued pondering friendship and love and promises and change as I crossed over the river and into St. Paul. There is a speed limit sign on the bridge and noticed that it said 30 MPH and also noticed I was going 46 so I immediately slowed down. As I came off the bridge, however, I saw a police officer jump on his motorcycle and I knew he was coming for me.

I immediately pulled over and removed my sunglasses and tried to keep both eyes open when he approached the car. He looked like he was about 12. I was definitely old enough to be his mother, so, shameless flirting was out of the question. I went for apologetic charm.

Officer: Good morning, m’am. Do you know that you were speeding?

Me: Yes, I noticed the posted speed limit and how fast I was going and immediately slowed down.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Yes, I was going 46.

Officer: Um, well, I clocked you going 40.

That’s me – honest to a fault.

He took my driver’s license and insurance information and went back to his motorcycle to do his secret police things and I will admit I was mad at myself and a little anxious and then I remembered something – I am a grown up! It’s not like my mom was going to get mad at me. So, I relaxed and closed one eye and hoped he would hurry so I could get my latte.

He came back to my car and handed me my citation and told me how to pay my fine or go to court or ask for a continuance or something but I wasn’t listening because ONE EYE CLOSED NEED LATTE. I thanked him and wished him a good day and took my leave.

Once I made it to Barnes and Noble, I looked at my ticket and noticed the officer’s name – Officer Dick. Figures.

I went inside and bought the comic books and then went to Starbucks to get a latte and try out my new Starbucks alter ego, “Josie”.

Barista: What’s your name?

Vikki (nervously): Josie.

Barista: Jesse?

Oh god. She knows!

Vikki: Um, no. Josie.

She rang up my order and I realized that I needed to pay with a credit card because I gave the last of my cash to the homeless man! My credit card says my name is “Vikki” not “Josie” so I began to panic. My crime spree and web of lies was getting out of hand! Then, I remembered that I had a gift code on my phone and I was able to use that. “Josie” got her latte and “Vikki” headed to the grocery store for half and half.

At the grocery store, I bought a baguette, sushi for Zeca, two boxes of DOTS, orange Tic Tacs, two packs of Trident bubble gum and went on my way.

I drove towards the bridge and noticed that Officer Dick had pulled over another unsuspecting soul and proceeded at exactly 30 miles per hour onto the bridge, across the river and to the safety of Minneapolis. When I got home and put away the groceries, I realized that I had forgotten to get the half and half.

On the upside, the headache is gone. Amazing what a $121 latte can do.

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32 Responses to Over The River
  1. dianne
    August 7, 2013 | 6:12 pm

    I feel complicit in your morning of lies and lawlessness. (Josie?)

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 6:18 pm

      Your gift card saved me from being revealed as “Vikki” not “Josie”. You saved me!

  2. GrandeMocha
    August 7, 2013 | 6:17 pm

    A $121 latte better drive itself to my house! I can’t believe the police officer gave you a ticket after you were so honest.

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 6:18 pm

      I did feel that my honesty deserved a reward of some sort…like maybe a warning rather than a ticket.

  3. Kaitlin
    August 7, 2013 | 6:21 pm

    Officer Dick! Also, I hope that $121 latte was THE BEST LATTE EVER.

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 6:23 pm

      It was a good latte because I can now open both of my eyes.

  4. Shannon
    August 7, 2013 | 7:06 pm

    I wonder how much the half and half is going to cost.

  5. tracey
    August 7, 2013 | 8:16 pm

    This is beyond adorable. Sorry for the ticket, though. He should have noticed how caffeine deprived you were and had a little mercy.

  6. Heather
    August 7, 2013 | 8:17 pm

    This all happened because you went to St Paul, I think.

    JOSIE.

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 9:30 pm

      I actually texted Tracy and said THIS VERY THING. Nothing good comes from going to St. Paul

  7. shayla
    August 7, 2013 | 8:56 pm

    wait, hold on a second here, Josie.

    did you forget JUST the half and half or did you also forget the coffee? i mean, don’t you have an espresso machine? ;)

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 9:31 pm

      I had coffee, just no half and half.

  8. Anthony
    August 7, 2013 | 9:09 pm

    Splitting morning headaches. Run-ins with the law. Fake names and aliases. Oy. This isn’t good. I’m surprised you didn’t force the officer into the trunk at gunpoint. I worry about you, Josie. Or Vikki. Or Thelma. Or whatever you are calling yourself these days.

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 9:32 pm

      I’m a rebel, Anthony. If you want to get on my good side, I like Pall Mall Candy Cigarettes.

  9. Esther Wifler
    August 7, 2013 | 9:32 pm

    Well Josie can I go for coffee with you this week? Sincerely, Barit

    • Vikki
      August 7, 2013 | 9:36 pm

      Josie would love to meet Barit for coffee!

  10. Vikki
    August 7, 2013 | 9:42 pm

    All that candy was to send to camp, by the way. I can handle people knowing I broke the law and lied to the Starbucks barista but I can’t have people thinking I eat that junk on the regular.

  11. Nina
    August 7, 2013 | 9:55 pm

    I agree with Heather . . . you know how I feel about driving too far. ;)

    Loved this post. You’re such a good storyteller.

    • Vikki
      August 10, 2013 | 9:38 pm

      It was so far away, Nina! I may never go back.

  12. Alison
    August 8, 2013 | 1:11 am

    I lie to baristas all the time, because I have a 3-syllable name and it’s apparently very easy to be mistaken for an ‘Alice’, ‘Anderson’, ‘Alicia’. So my Starbucks alter ego is ‘Amy’.

    Nice to meet you, Josie.

    (Officer Dick? Bahahahaha!)

    • Vikki
      August 10, 2013 | 9:38 pm

      So can I call you Anderson? It will be our special friend name.

  13. Jenna
    August 8, 2013 | 5:53 am

    Ah, expensive lattes. I have had a few.

    • Vikki
      August 10, 2013 | 9:38 pm

      I hate to say it but it was almost worth it.

  14. Amy
    August 9, 2013 | 7:13 pm

    St. Paul cops love catching the Mpls folks trying to sneak into our city via that bridge! I’m sorry you got caught in that speed trap. I stop almost everyday at that Starbucks and then drive over that bridge to the lawless carefree city of Mpls. I always breathe a little sigh of relief when I get to your side w/o incident.

    • Vikki
      August 10, 2013 | 9:39 pm

      Come to the dark side, Amy. We can speed and drink coffee and nobody stops us!

  15. Laurel (Dawn Storey)
    August 12, 2013 | 4:27 pm

    Hi Vikki – discovered you through BlogHer and I’m glad I did! I feel your coffee withdrawal pain. Too bad Officer Dick didn’t see fit to reward your honesty. Looking forward to reading more! :)

    • Vikki
      August 15, 2013 | 11:50 am

      Welcome Dawn!

      I really thought my honesty would work!

  16. Lady Jennie
    August 13, 2013 | 11:59 am

    I burst out laughing at your alter ego Josie and getting busted for your spree of crime. :-)

    Hugs to you and Luisa.

    • Vikki
      August 15, 2013 | 11:48 am

      Josie is supposed to be much cooler than I am but she was SO nervous!

  17. Ashley
    August 19, 2013 | 11:57 am

    hahahaha!!! I got pulled over on the first day of our vacation for going 42 in a 30. When the officer walked up to my window and saw 3 cranked up kids, a Brasilian who hadn’t had a cigarette in 5 hours and ME, he let me go with a warning. A warning to never go on vacation again.

  18. Alexandra
    August 24, 2013 | 11:32 pm

    “Josie” got her latte and “Vikki” headed to the grocery store for half and half.”

    Tell me that wouldn’t make a great inside joke. Like it just is now.

    xo

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