Up Popped A Fox

All the Single Parents

February 6, 2012 in Humor, Parenting

Luisa went to Zambia yesterday. More accurately, she left for Zambia yesterday and arrived today. Still – the point is that she is not here. When she is not here, it means that I am here alone. Well, not alone – I am here with the children and the cat. My mission is to keep us all alive for two weeks. I have proven that I can do this but the question is always “With how much grace and dignity?”

The key to a successful morning of single parenting for me is to get up very early. This guarantees that I will be able to have coffee without interruption. I will admit that I did not bound out of bed at 5:45 this morning but more oozed out of bed. Bounding. Oozing. Who cares? I got up.

In no time at all, I was on the couch with a cup of coffee and my laptop. I normally read Twitter while having coffee but today I decided to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Everything was going well (except for the nasty issue of the witch casting spells on unsuspecting cheerleaders) until Momo jumped on my lap and dumped my cup of coffee all over me which stained my sweatpants (see exhibit A as evidence). I did not kill the cat because, if you remember, I must keep all of us alive for two weeks in order to win this game and I do so want to win. So, I yelled at the cat and tried to shame her which was quite ineffective.

After Buffy, I woke up the children and packed lunches and made sure the kids got dressed and brushed their teeth and then I made them breakfast and then I packed their backpacks and then I did an elaborate tap routine involving a cane and top hat and then I dropped it low and did a little hip hop number and – for the grand finale – I did a back handspring. Ok…I didn’t do the dancing and springing but I did everything else. THEN, I got the kids into the car and to school on time. I even took them to the right school.

Day 1 went pretty well. I hope tomorrow involves fewer coffee stains. If not, the cat gets it.

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Yo, Let’s Sumo

February 1, 2012 in Humor, Pop Culture

I’m usually up for anything that will lead to laughter – even if that laughter is at my expense. I get all sorts of wacky ideas but, fortunately for those around me, I’m generally too busy/tired/lazy to bring them to fruition.

Last year, I suggested to Luisa and our friends, Kris and Kristen, that we host a Sumo Wrestling Night to raise money for the kids’ school. I said something like, “Hey! Let’s rent sumo suits and drink cocktails and wrestle and it will be amazing and funny!” And they all responded with something like, “Oh my god! That is a great idea!” because they all recognized a good wacky idea…or were thankful that there finally was a good wacky idea since they probably still remember the time I suggested we build a hay bale maze in the back yard.

So, we put the event up for auction and got quite a few people to sign up though many of them were unable to attend. Last Saturday was the big night for our small group. We had cocktails, sake and Sapporo to go with lots of sushi. We had sumo suits and Japanese rap music (Yes, I am cheating on Nicki Minaj with a Japanese rapper named Hime). We even had brackets! Every tournament needs those, right?

Each match consisted of three rounds. I can now tell you from experience that three rounds is a lot of rounds when you are wearing a sumo suit. The more you move around the more tired you get. Luisa served as our referee.

The final standings were:

Third Place: Me

Second Place: Kris (one of the co-hosts)

First Place: AMIE!

I was pleased with my showing, especially after my horrible performance during the Christmas eve leg wrestling matches.

Here is a video for one of my three rounds with Kristen (who kicked my ass in leg wrestling). As you can see, I redeemed myself (I’m in blue):

Sumo wrestling is hilarious and fun but sumo dancing? Awesome. Thanks to Cathy for letting me post the following video:

And…if you need any recommendations on Japanese rap, I am your woman.

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Nigh

January 30, 2012 in Humor

I went to the YWCA today and exercised and that is a sign that the apocalypse is nigh. Actually, that’s probably not true but I really enjoy saying “The apocalypse is nigh!” Why should the Mayans and the right wing fundamentalists get all the fun? Also, nigh is a word that needs to make a comeback so let’s make that happen. (Please use the word nigh in every comment you leave to show your commitment to this effort).

So, I got up and put on workout clothes and found my lock and put everything in a little bag and went to the gym. I was slightly concerned about my appearance because of my 1)impressive bed head (think punk rock rooster) and 2)my tattered pink tie dyed sweatshirt. I ditched my sweatshirt as soon as I got there but the bed head was there to stay. My only hope was that everyone would be so distracted by the sight of my muffin top that they wouldn’t notice my whacked hair.

I went up to the track and put on some Nicki Minaj and started making the rounds. A few minutes later, I saw a woman jogging while carrying her big black purse and I felt much better about my bedhead. I actually laughed out loud but then pretended to choke so that, if I called attention to myself, people would feel sympathetic about the choking and then not notice my bedhead. Of course, a few other people joined the motley crew and life was good. There was the woman running in jeans with a sunglass case attached to her belt. Lots of old ladies in slacks and sweaters. I looked damn good which made me realize that I am FINE and just need to keep weirder company so that I look good by comparison.

When I finished and got back to the locker room, it was packed with naked old ladies – like a dam had been holding all the naked old ladies back and the dam burst and there were naked old ladies everywhere! I’d never seen anything like it. The sight made me feel pretty good about my boobs.

So, the moral of the story is that working out really does make you feel better about yourself.

I took this picture after taming the bedhead. Note: I am a clothed old lady.

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Queen of the Squirrels

January 26, 2012 in Gerbil Brain, Humor

Before we talk about squirrels, I want to make it clear that I do not have a fascination with squirrels. I do not want to be a squirrel. I do not envy all the scurrying and twitching and tree-jumping and nut gathering. No one ever brings a squirrel a latte which is one of the many reasons that I am not cut out for squirrel life. However, I think about squirrels from time to time.

Tuesday morning was one of those times and I began to ponder the squirrel community. I began to think of the squirrels not as long-tailed rodents that watch me suspiciously every time I leave the house but as “a people”. Do squirrels play roles? Do they have jobs? Do they make fun of the squirrels with the fucked up tails? I knew that I could look all of that up on the internet (well, not the tail part) but I was interested in these complex issues in a more abstract sense.

Of course, you can only think about this for so long before you begin to wonder what role you would play in the squirrel community. Right? Everyone does that right? At first, I thought I would be Queen of the Squirrels. Squirrels should definitely have a queen. Bees have queens and they are smaller and buzzier. I allowed myself to imagine myself as Queen for a few moments. I didn’t picture myself in a teeny tiny squirrel crown or anything – that would be silly. I just imagined being the head of all the squirrels and them coming up to me and asking what to do next.

“Queen, should I grab that bagel and drag it up the tree even though I’ll look ridiculous?”

“Queen, what do I do now? Huh? What do I do now?”

“Queen, shall I brush your luxurious tail?”

I briefly enjoyed the imagined power. I could see myself instructing my furry minions to chase and terrorize the humans while I laughed but, in the end, I realized that I would never be the Queen of the Squirrels. I would more likely be the Queen’s right hand squirrel. I would totally be the kind of squirrel to do the queen’s bidding. I would order people around for her and diffuse situations for her and entertain her with my nut themed humor.

I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I mean…who creates an entire imagined Land of Squirrels and then doesn’t even want to oversee it? The right hand squirrel – that’s who.

By now, you are probably expecting a point to this discussion of squirrels which is weird because – at this very moment – I’m realizing that I don’t have one. I guess we can just all think of squirrels together. Or maybe we should all buy a squirrel a latte. Or maybe I’ll throw that bag of leftover Christmas nuts out for the squirrels and be Queen for a day.

photo credit: Tomi Tapio via photopin cc

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