Freedom to Marry
There are a bunch of bloggers out there blogging for Freedom to Marry Week. You can also check out my previous posts on the issue here and here.
Growing up, I never thought about getting married. I wasn’t the kind of girl who planned her wedding and imagined riding off in the sunset with some dude. Maybe it was because I was queer…maybe it was because marriages never lasted in my family…I don’t know. I do know that when I came out at 21, I didn’t mourn the loss of the fairy tale but my mother did. She had saved her wedding dress for me as well as the glasses that she and my father had toasted with on their wedding night. She was profoundly angry at my coming out but profoundly saddened by the realization that I would never get married. In one of her darker moments, she shattered the glasses and burned the wedding dress, something that she later regretted tremendously.
Marriage is a strong presence in our culture. It winds itself through books and movies, through playground conversations and classrooms, through expectations and unspoken words. Would I marry Luisa if I could? Yes, for practical reasons. Would it change the way we feel about each other or our commitment to one another? No, not at all. That said, our society holds up marriage as the Happy Ending for relationships. So, what does it mean when some people are allowed to marry and others are not? What message does that send? I want my children to know that their parents’ relationship is just as valuable as any other relationship, their family as honored as any other. More than that though, I want my children to grow up believing that they can be honest about who they love. I want them to believe that all people are equal and worthy of respect. I want them to be able to define their own Happy Ending and, if that includes a wedding, I want them to know that their love will be celebrated…even if they happen to be queer. They’ll always have their parents’ support and that might be enough…but they deserve more than that. Really, they deserve the world.
Posted: February 9th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Meg DeZutti
Time February 9, 2009 at 5:52 pm
amen sister amen!! you are always thoughtful & articulate but double so this time. Sam will have a mom& dad totally in love & totally devoted to one another. but Sam would be just as loved & cared for with 2 moms or 2 dads or 2 dads & a mom or whatever. we will love Sam equally is he loves girls or boys or fish or androgenous space aliens. all of us deserve to love & be loved & NO ONE in gov’t should have the right to curtail that.
Comment from Ali B.
Time February 9, 2009 at 6:11 pm
About your mom’s dress and glasses: wow.
Our society does hold up marriage as the happy ending, but I’m convinced that this accounts for our high divorce rate. Marriage is not any kind of ending at all.
Right on. About you guys, your kids, all of our kids.
Comment from Meghan
Time February 9, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Well, I am often amazed at your elloquence in speaking. And this is no different. You express thoughts so well, Vikki. I’m so sorry about how your mom reacted. Burning her dress? And smashing the glasses. You must have felt so sad. I wish she would have been supportive. But, one thing is for certain: your kids will know unconditional love and support. You can be so proud of that! If the government says yes or decides to take back things, at least your kids will know they have you and Luisa right there behind them. That is such a gift!
Comment from Anthony
Time February 10, 2009 at 2:17 am
Posts like these make it very worthwhile to read your blog. With all of my joking around, I want you to know that you are an astute and incisive social critic, and you write beautifully and powerfully. As Ali B. said, you are right on–as you are so many times. Thanks.
Comment from Meredith
Time February 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Very well said, Vikki, and I’m sorry your mom wasn’t more supportive when you came out.
As for some people being allowed to marry and others are not? I’m still trying to figure out how committing to your partner, building a life together based on love and trust, and maybe raising a family, jeopardizes the family “ideal” when that is precisely what the family ideal IS.
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Time February 9, 2009 at 5:03 pm
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