Buzz
When I imagined becoming a parent, I pictured myself with one child…a girl. This girl would be independent, stubborn, opinionated, brave, strong, and smart. She would climb trees and play in the dirt and would dress accordingly. She would wear jeans and t-shirts and shun dresses and frills. She would be a little rough around the edges but she would be, beautifully, her own person.
Years later, I did have a girl. She was independent, stubborn and opinionated from a very early age. But, this girl also loved dresses and frills and began picking out her own clothes when she was only 18 months old. She refused to wear jeans and t-shirts, sometimes respectfully and sometimes not. She wanted pig tails, barrettes and painted fingernails. This girl told me that she just wanted to be pretty and I wandered through life muttering to myself, “This was not how things were supposed to be”. I was not supposed to have a girly girl.
A few days ago, Zeca came to us and asked us to shave her head. I was surprised and figured that she must not know what the words meant so I said, “You want to get your hair cut?” and she said, “No, I want my hair shaved off“. I told her I would take her to get her hair cut and she said, “No, mama! I want it all gone!” She knew exactly what she wanted. Three to six year olds notice hair. They use it to categorize people by gender…boys have short hair and girls have long hair. Zeca has said this herself, in spite of the fact that many of the women in her life have short hair. So, our daughter is giving us an opportunity to smash a stereotype and I can’t bring myself to do it. I know it is only hair and I know it will grow back. Still, I find myself wondering what people will say about a girl with a buzz cut. What will my sister say? What will the other parents at school say? What will my mother say? She has already confessed that, when we had a girl, she worried most about what we would do to her hair. That may very well be the root of my angst…homophobia. This feels like one of those moments when a simple act, a haircut, might be colored by the fact that we are lesbians.
So, I find myself in a strange place. My daughter, once again, wants to define her own appearance. She wants to be, beautifully, her own person which is what I always wanted. I’m just not sure, however, that I am brave enough to help her.
Posted: May 27th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Carly
Time May 27, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I can definitely see the predicament. If you do let her, though – really let her. I had a friend, who, when much older than Zeca (about 13 or 14), got bored one summer and let her brother shave her head. It was right before school started, and while Elise (said friend) was fine with her hair (and ended up keeping it like that ’til she started college), her mother bought her a wig and made her wear it to school. We all thought it was adorable – but then again, we were older.
Comment from Mrs. Raasch
Time May 27, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Ya know what they say in the Montessori Kingdom…”Follow the child!”
You might be interested to know that I am in last place in the ‘let’s go get a haircut’ game with Teddy. Take a look at him.
Elisabeth
p.s. Lock the buzzer up!!
Comment from lula
Time May 27, 2008 at 9:37 pm
ooh, that’s a hard one. Our munchkin is also 3.5 and definitely all about skirts. That said, she refuses to have long hair because it’s uncomfortable for her to wear said barrettes, hairbands, etc. Should I send you a pic of her cut? It could help you. It’s short, but wispy at the same time and several children at school have followed suit since. A grown-up cut for a little girl. I think a buzz cut may too much of a good thing maybe? And given your holiday destination, where little girls are still very much prized, as frilly little girls?
Just drop me a line.
Our little one was quite infatuated with Miguel when she saw his pic by the way. I called her over one day and said, look, these two children also have two mommies. She kept on coming back requesting to see him again.
Comment from AA
Time May 27, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Ummm, maybe you could ask her to wait a while and if she still wants it in a couple or several weeks do it then. I mean, 3 year olds have been known to love something one day and hate it the next . You know your daughter, but I am thinking it might be a short lived thing. Is she one that changes her Santa list over and oever again or does she stick wih one thing. My son always settles on one thing early on and never changes his mind. He also picks a birthday party them about 11 months out and never changes. Still, I would hesitate to shave his head at the first request – and he’s male and lives in TX- no one but me would care. I have begged him to let it grow longer again for summer and he is going for it. Yea me!
Comment from Shelly
Time May 28, 2008 at 7:06 am
My trick with kids is to set a time frame, usually a couple of months in the future, and see if, by then, they still want to do it. My kids like to color their hair, for example. Nothing extreme, all “human” colors, but, definitely different from their “real” colors. The first time they asked, they were not yet ten years old. We decided on a day a couple of months in the future that would be a good day to color the hair.
Two months later, they not only still wanted to do it, but had done a lot of research as to exactly what look they wanted, so, we went for it. I love to allow them that little bit of expression. They are 12 and 14 now, and both look fabulous.
I can definitely understand your hesitation with the buzz cut, due to the social implications particular to your family. Nobody wants their children to be in a situation where they can be teased or harmed, just because of how they wear their hair or who their parents happen to be, or the combination of the two–we want to protect them, always. Give her time to solidify–see if she really, really wants it. And if she does, well, she’s just showing you how cool and fearless she is… 
Comment from Andrea
Time May 28, 2008 at 8:29 am
This is fascinating to me. There’s such a need to prove that we “deserve” to be parents – that even if we choose to project our gender in a way that makes some people uncomfortable, we will not impose this on our children. And then there’s the part of us that knows that’s crazy – like me, you probably shaved your head in college. You don’t want to tell Zeca that only boys can have shaved heads, because it feels disingenuous. I totally get where you are coming from.
That being said, I would not be so quick to assume that you are weak or not brave if you try to convince Zeca not to shave her head. After all, you’ve been around long enough to know that a shaved head could have unintended consequences – she could be made fun of at school, or whatever, and there’s something to be said for protecting her from that.
My partner and I often talk about the kind of parents we would have been 10 years ago when there was no complexity to our politics, when we had not yet been forced to compromise our principles to keep a job, or live in the world with people who are not always so accepting. At that time, I would have said, “OF COURSE you should let her shave her head!” Now, I have no advice. Please tell me what you decide to do in case I ever encounter this situation.
Comment from Susan
Time May 28, 2008 at 9:43 am
Well, you know where i fall on the hair thing – Luca had her first mohawk at 2. It was truly amazing to me to have strangers approach me and say “I hate it when parents treat their children as accessories,” as though a two year old couldn’t make such a choice.
I do think it’s really important to let them do their thing – especially to give all of them – girls and boys – opportunities to self-define gender. Which isn’t to say that it isn’t hard and that folks don’t have comments, but in the long run, which is more important? Our comfort as parents on a single day or our kid’s sense that they can truly define and express their selves through their own bodies across the breadth of their lives. I feel like letting them do that when they are young leads directly to how well they are able to do that during the harder times – adolescent sexuality, etc. They will already have an experience or even multiple experiences of making their own decisions about their physical selves. What a stunning and glorious thing it would have been for all of us to grow up knowing that we have the right to self-define our embodiments. What would a young history of that do to our adult selves? How would we be different? Stronger?
Comment from Meghan
Time May 28, 2008 at 11:08 am
I think that you are very brave to be considering the possible implications. Also very selfLESS. It’s your job to protect her and at least weighing the options is very kind to her. Maybe you could make a deal with her that you will do it after school lets out? Unless she goes there all year like daycare. Also, if you’re gonna do it, summer is definitely the time to do it. She has a very pretty face, so she could probably pull it off.
I guess the thing you are most worried about is that people will think that it was you that wanted this, not her. Or that you influenced her in some way. If you want a good story, you could give her the clippers to start and she can do the first piece. Then you can tell people that she got a hold of the clippers and did a piece right in the front, so you needed to take it all off. You know what’s true and so do your friends. As far as your mom goes, I don’t think she’s ever very accepting and kind is she? So why would this be different? It’s not like not doing this would make the relationship stay awesome, right?
All of this is to say…… if you think she will actually like it, then do it. I would go with the clippers story to scooch around the homophobia. Also, what would be so wrong if you did influence her? You are her mothers!
I just thought of this. When I was in middle school, the cool thing was to shave the bottom part of your hair and put it in a pony tail. That way, she can have some shaved hair, but it can be hidden when the hair is just down. And, that way, she can still have a pony tail or pig tails and barrets. Maybe that could be a good compromise. Sorry this is so long. I really feel for you that you have to make this decision. But, if you decide not to do it, that doesn’t make you any less brave. You wouldn’t let her draw on her face with a Sharpie would you? No. Some things just aren’t acceptable, and this may be one of them. It’s up to the parents to decide what is and isn’t acceptable. Let us know what you decide.
Comment from Meghan
Time May 28, 2008 at 11:10 am
I meant put the remaining hair in the pony tail, not the stuff you just shaved off. 
Comment from leigh
Time May 28, 2008 at 11:25 am
i just find it all so interesting…
gay parents tend to be as much (some times more) attached to their childrens gender expression as heterosexual parents…..but gay parents tend to be attached to a more gender non-conforming expression …. i guess it makes sense but it just cracks me up…..i do think ultimately it is about wanting to protect your children from harm or hurt….and i think that is natural…the other day i was at the coop and a woman i know who has 3 kids 2 of whom i had never met before and one of them had on a beautiful purple dress with pink shoes – that childs name was “Steve”
another friend had her boy child at ballet- he really wanted to take ballet so she let him – he was the only boy in the class-at the end of the class one of the other mothers came up to her and suggested that she enroll him in soccer!!
oh by the way
i have been shaving my head for over 15 years…. i find it easy to do and easy to maintain in expensive (a shears costs about 20-30$)and it looks good….
also…not to give away too many of my beauty tips
i have not used shampoo, conditioner gel stuff for over 15 years …. and am not into color or perms eiather
anyway – it works for me and it saves me a lot of money
peace
leigh
Comment from Vikki
Time May 28, 2008 at 11:51 am
I appreciate all of the thought everyone is putting into this. I really do. You have all given me things to think about. And Meghan…you are right – I wouldn’t let her draw on her face with a sharpie! That really cracked me up!
Comment from Carolina
Time May 28, 2008 at 1:08 pm
In a timely coincidence, I have just been introduced to Labels are for Jars (http://labelsareforjars.wordpress.com/), the totally amazing blog of a mom with a similar dilemma. I encourage you to check it out.
Comment from Chris
Time May 28, 2008 at 6:29 pm
The argument would be, though: you wouldn’t let your son draw on his face with a Sharpie, either, but you’d let him shave his head.
Since she’s so young, I’d vote for the “two-week waiting period”. All kids have things they get fixated on. If she’s still talking about it two weeks later, then do it. It WILL grow back. And you’ll both have a learning experience.
Some people (read: relatives) try to blame us for the fact that Middle Child abhors dresses and most things “girly”. But that’s just the way she is. If she wanted to shave her head, if she asked us to shave her head, we would do it. There are bigger battles to fight than hair 
)
Comment from Rachel
Time May 28, 2008 at 7:13 pm
That is so hard! My son wanted long hair for quite a while and I went along with it, but all the, “Oh, what a beautiful DAUGHTER you have” comments made me crazy. I hated it. I tried to respond kindly, but still, argh!! I admit to relief when he wanted his hair short (with a tiny bit of pressure from us).
But you know what? I miss his long hair. I hate the thought that the little pressure was more than I thought. I miss his hair being the way he wanted it without anyone else’s opinion. So I say do it, give her the buzz. I mean, we are talking Buddhist bald, not military scary, right? Let that girl express herself!
Comment from Kelly
Time May 28, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Can anyone photoshop her picture with a buzz cut so she can preview her new low maintenance summer hairdo?
Comment from lula
Time May 29, 2008 at 2:00 am
watching the L word last night on TV here, I realise that our munchkin basically has a Shane haircut… Never thought about it, but something clicked.
Comment from Katherine
Time May 30, 2008 at 10:25 am
I think it is impressive that Zeca asked you to shave her head. As kids, my brothers and I would just take the scissors and hack away before our parents could catch us. Hmmm, my only concern would be that Zeca’s head would get burned. I guess you could put sunscreen on it and make her wear a hat when she’s in the sun.
Comment from Kat
Time May 27, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Oooo, I feel your pain. I am all about allowing my boys to choose their hair, to some degree. I even let Drake get a mohowk – his Dad made him shave it off. But I get how a girl is different, at least a young girl. We all expect them to look one way – super cute with little curls, etc. I think we, as a population, enjoy it because once they are old enough they do whatever they want to it (like me adding blue to my hair) Not exactly what you want to see on a cute little bean like Zeca. Good luck!