Wax On
When Miguel was young, he came to us and asked us to enroll him in a martial arts class and we said, “no”. Luisa felt that learning to kick and punch efficiently might not be the best activity for a child who struggles with impulsivity and my reason? Well, my reason was simple – he was a boy and I didn’t want that kind of boy. I pictured my son as that macho blonde kid in Karate Kid that makes Ralph Macchio’s character miserable. We said “no” numerous time over the years and never provided much of an explanation to him. Ours was the word on high, not to be questioned. The answer was no. Just no.
This past fall, Zeca came to us and asked to do martial arts and we were thrilled with the idea. I relished the thought of my girl kickin’ some ass and we signed her up for classes. Looking back, I’m surprised that Miguel said nothing because he is pretty big on righteous indignation. But, he was quiet until Zeca earned her orange belt. Then, he came to us and he begged. He told us that he would commit to it, that he would never complain about going to class, that he would listen to us and respect us and do whatever we asked of him if we would just let him do martial arts and I looked into his eyes and realized what a horrible mistake we had made. Luisa’s concerns were real but mine were not. I had failed to see him as the person he is and saw him only as the person I was afraid he might become.
We all make mistakes. We know this intellectually and can easily discuss our mistakes from that perspective. We talk about our humanity, about our flaws, about the unrealistic expectations of perfection. I’m an expert at talking about my mistakes but having children has forced me to feel the impact of those mistakes. We as parents have so much power. Sometimes, we use it well. Sometimes, we don’t. Sometimes, we exert our control without much thought at all. I have made decisions that hurt my children and I can’t unmake those decisions or erase that hurt. I can, however, take responsibility for them. I can admit when I am wrong – I must admit when I am wrong. And, when words are not enough, I must be willing to do more.
Posted: March 12th, 2010 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Blazer
Time March 12, 2010 at 8:54 pm
I think you can cut yourself some slack. You’ve have clearly done something right with them both!
Comment from AA
Time March 12, 2010 at 11:10 pm
My god! Your children are stunningly beautiful. You would have to know me to realize that I don’t say things like that unless I really feel it.
Comment from anthony
Time March 13, 2010 at 2:48 am
It’s probably much more valuable to your kids to have a role model who makes mistakes but has the grace and self-reflection to acknowledge them than a role model who acts as if she never makes mistakes.
Comment from Vikki
Time March 13, 2010 at 8:55 am
Y’all are sweet. As for the pic, Zeca looks so serious…like “don’t want to meet her in a dark alley” serious.
Comment from weese
Time March 13, 2010 at 9:47 am
ah..yes.. its it liberating to let go of ‘just cuz i said so’ 
well done.
Comment from leigh
Time March 13, 2010 at 8:11 pm
sweet
Comment from lulazoid
Time March 15, 2010 at 2:31 am
@vikki: Zeca looks like she can kick some serious ass. And wow, is her hair getting long or what? I am considering enrolling V in a martial arts class but there are so many different ones. She’s talking ballet again.
Comment from sarah k
Time March 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm
they look great! and having fun too.
Comment from ioana
Time March 18, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I used to take karate lessons as a kid too, but I gave up when I grew older, I realised it was not the kind of sports I wanted to practice. But it was real good for me though, I learnt a lot about self-discipline and how not to solve conflicts by physical force, but by open-communication. These are the types of lessons every child should benefit from.
Comment from clare
Time March 22, 2010 at 8:53 pm
I felt exactly the same about Thomas doing martial arts and so I delayed and delayed and delayed and then all the kids in the class were doing it and he was pleading with me and saying he didn’t want to hurt people he just wanted to be strong…and I suddenly remember this very kind and nice man who I went to Uni with who did martial arts…but he did Aikido. And so that is what we signed up for. It is truly lovely …a focus on being the best you can and looking forward with positivity. Sure there is the wack/ hiya/defensive stuff but it is when they are older … for now the focus is on agility, balance and focus. Plus you get to wear the while gear and earn the belts. Thomas is hoping to get is orange belt next week. I have never known him as happy has he is in Aikido. Lesson Learned!
Comment from Mel
Time March 29, 2010 at 6:07 pm
Thank you! I, too, have the same prejudices about my boy and girl. I’m going to let it go and if and when he asks I’m just going to smile, be present and remember that he is my sweet boy. He is kind and gentle and loves to help. I’ll also be hoping for the best. BTW, your children are lovely. Zeca is looking verfy grown-up these days.
Comment from kaitlin
Time March 12, 2010 at 5:35 pm
they are adorable!