Thoughts on Parenting
As parents, we want our children to be understood in all of their complexity. We don’t want them to be judged by that tantrum in the supermarket checkout lane or the surly outburst at their team’s loss or that power trip at playgroup. We want for them what most of us want for ourselves – to be known. We want people to see them as we see them, as complete people with gifts and challenges. But sometimes, in our worst moments, we are unable to do this ourselves. We turn our kids’ bad habits into character traits, see their quirks as hindrances, view each questionable choice they make as a harbinger of doom. You know I do this because I have imagined my children with video game addictions, stealing my Social Security checks and eventually ending up in prison. Do I really believe these things? No, of course not - I am simply working through my fear. I get scared because, in my work, I see the worst. I see the families that fall apart. I see the children who steal from their parents and neglect them. I see adult children and parents at odds – the kids angry about their past and the parents angry about the present. I know that not all families are like the families I work with but I also know that I had issues with my mother that affected our relationship and still impact me today.
Our neighbors recently had twins and brought them by for us to meet them (Hello Heather and Thomas!). As I stared into those gorgeous little baby faces, I found myself thinking that babies are so easy which surprised me because I clearly remember thinking the opposite when my own kids were tiny. What I realized in that moment is that I always expected that raising children would get easier over time. I imagined that, as their independence increased, my role would diminish but that’s not true. Our roles simply change with time. When your kids are babies, you feed them and change their diapers and hold them and comfort them and try to get them to sleep. It’s hard. Absolutely. But when they become older, the holding and comforting parts become more complicated. A friend once told me that having children would break my heart open in ways that nothing else would and, oh, how right she was. Parenting requires you to navigate the tempestuous seas of your childrens’ emotions in a leaky row boat with a broken oar. And don’t even think about there being a life vest in that boat! There are none. When your child doesn’t get invited to that awesome party…when she loses a paper that is due the next day…when your children want things that you don’t want them to have…when you come to a fork in the road and you must choose which path your child will take…you stick that broken paddle in the rough water, hope that you don’t capsize and pray that the blurry speck in the distance is actually the shoreline.
Our world is one of snap judgments. Few of us are ever seen in our complexity. Your kid might be the whiner. Mine might be the obnoxious one. And you over there? Yours might be the awkward one. Of course, none of this is any more absolute that any of the millions of judgments people make about us as people and as parents. So, we have to be our kids’ advocates. We have to be their safe haven. We have to believe in them. It sounds so simple when I put it that way but it really isn’t because we are human. We can be swayed by cultural norms and make decisions out of fear. I’ve done this and I’ll likely do it again but I’m trying. I’m really trying. For those of you reading this and wondering what dramatic events are transpiring in the Up Popped A Fox household to elicit such a post, there are none. We are simply raising kids and trying to figure it all out. My point is that parenting is hard. It requires emotional fortitude and I have found only one magical elixir that gives it to me and that is listening to my children. Because, when I do – when I really listen to their thoughts on life and love and the world – I am no longer filled with fear but excitement for what’s to come.
p.s. Have you voted today?
Posted: February 24th, 2010 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Danja
Time February 24, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Mine might be the overly sensitive one. And my other one is the drama queen. And boy am I with you on thinking that it was supposed to get easier only now it just gets harder! But seeing my kids – and other people’s kids – through different eyes helps me keep things in perspective. Thanks, Vikki.
Comment from Kelly
Time February 24, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Once again, thank you for speaking so eloquently about this journey of parenting. Going to print this one out and out it on the fridge!
Comment from Deb on the Rocks
Time February 24, 2010 at 2:18 pm
This got to me. It’s increasingly much more complicated. Much more complicated. Beautifully written.
Comment from Amie
Time February 24, 2010 at 2:39 pm
This brought tears to my eyes! You are so right. Someone once said to me that when you have kids you learn what it’s like to have your heart walking around outside your body. I’ll tell you one thing, being a parent has made me a much more empathetic teacher, that’s for sure. Because every kid has someone for whom they are the world. It’s important for me to remember that–this post helped.
Comment from Ellen
Time February 24, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Parenting is exceptionally hard work, thank you for this post. Being a parent triggers our own unresolved issues and helps us to become less judgmental people!
Comment from leigh
Time February 24, 2010 at 5:22 pm
beautiful post
listening and believing
i think i was 44 when i was finally able to articulate to my mother
“please do not worry about me … believe in me that is all i need for you to do – believe in me”
Comment from Deborah
Time February 25, 2010 at 12:34 am
Definitely fridge-worthy. I must remember that my kids will grow up…in spite of me, and I can only do my best. To listen and appreciate them is to take a huge step in the right direction down Doing My Best Avenue. It’s a challenging road for us all, and you are navigating it beautifully.
Comment from Nicole
Time February 25, 2010 at 11:18 am
I’ve been reading your blog for several months and really enjoy it. This made me cry, today I am stressing about the parent teacher conference we have for one of our boys. Your post said everything exactly . Thank you
Comment from Susan
Time February 25, 2010 at 11:26 am
Yes, our children will break our hearts, however we have to lay the groundwork so they won’t steal our social security checks.
One simple way to do that is to have a family meeting and invite them to volunteer for choresaround the house.
It teaches responsibility and teamwork. Family meetings teach family members to listen to each other, especially when the children take a turn leading them. Parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love.
Comment from Chick
Time March 1, 2010 at 10:49 am
wait, so how is it that you have time to parent, to post *and* to think about these things??????? i’m jealous.
Comment from Polly P
Time March 2, 2010 at 3:54 pm
What everyone said above, for one. Nodded and so appreciated the wisdom throughout. This part:
Parenting requires you to navigate the tempestuous seas of your childrens’ emotions in a leaky row boat with a broken oar.
Ouch. So true. My problem is I think I broke one of the oars myself, wacking it against something in a menopausal fit. Lose the other regularly. So oftentimes I wind up rowing around in a circle, like a flea in the toilet bowl (ewwwwwww).
But you totally have it, Vikki: listening. Paying attention. That’s it. Your kids are so fortunate to have you trying so hard. And we’re so fortunate to listen to you as you do.
Thank you.
Comment from clare
Time March 4, 2010 at 8:36 pm
I agree to listen is to get to the answer. We have recently been walking our 11 year old through the loss of a good friend. What has really amazed me is the calm and centred way he has approached it…and the more listening, the more waiting for the moment, I have done the easier it has been to walk him through. Listening, waiting, breathing and laughing. The keys to good parenting!
Comment from Amy
Time February 24, 2010 at 11:07 am
Great post. And a good reminder that this is a great parenting blog! Now, I’m off to vote.