Malaise
I have once again been pondering the great questions of life: Why am I here? What does the future hold for me? What if I turned into a giant pat of butter? What do I need? What do I want? Why do I do any of the things that I do? Would it be possible to build a fort out of Velveeta or Peeps? You know, the typical things people contemplate. There are many of factors contributing to my general malaise: job stress, the challenges of parenting, aging and, of course, the bitter Minnesota weather. So, I find myself feeling a little lost, in need of some sort of spiritual Strike Anywhere Match to set my soul on fire once again.
I thought that match had arrived in the form of a non-fiction manuscript that I have been working on with friends. We had interest from a publisher and then an agent only to have both prospects fall apart. I am disappointed and discouraged and I’ve realized something surprising about myself through this process - persistence is not my strong suit. In “The Way We Were” (why yes I am quoting a Barbara Streisand movie), Hubbell writes a story that begins, “In a way, he was like the country he lived in; everything came too easily to him.” I think that may be true of me as well. I didn’t have to work hard in high school. I didn’t work hard in college. The only challenge of graduate school was holding a full time job while attending school full time. I fell into a “good” job and I live comfortably. My personal life is just as I want it to be but my professional life is a source of much existential angst because my work brings me no joy. In order to change that, however, I would have to work hard and take risks and it’s clear that this is not my modus operandi. I have always taken the path of least resistance. I live on the path of least resistance. I have been elected mayor of the place by the small number of P.L.R. denizens. I’ve always been comfortable there. I’ve strung a hammock between two trees and have a caipirinha stand out front, providing refreshments to all those who visit but don’t stay. It’s only in realizing all of this that I have begun to wonder if it’s good for me, if I want more, if I’m willing to pack up my hammock and limes and amble on down the road. I honestly don’t know. This, my friends, is a mid-life crisis. I might as well run out and buy a red mini cooper and have an affair with a blonde woman half my age. It’s so trite and I do so hate being trite. But, it is what it is. So, what’s next? I’ll make you a caipirinha and let you swing in my hammock if you’ll help me figure it out.
p.s. Not everything I write is depressing. I also wrote about football for Grace the Spot.
Posted: January 28th, 2010 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Debbie
Time January 28, 2010 at 11:00 am
Maybe you need to do something difficult and triumph over it. Since your malaise seems to also be related to aging and your body, I’m wondering if you should consider taking up a sport where you are only competing against yourself. Maybe you could join Zeca at Tae Soo Do. You might find it satisfying because of the structure of achievement. I have a good friend who began Akido a few years ago and it has made a huge difference in her sense of self.
The mini cooper is also something to strongly consider.
Comment from Kelly
Time January 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm
People who take the PLR don’t examine their lives in this way. Nor do people who out themselves to everyone. Nor do people who honestly blog about their inner struggles. (sorry but I feel compelled to argue with you) Malaise with your work is real – it doesn’t fill you up in the ways other areas of your life do. But be sure to give yourself lots of credit for building the life you have – because you did build it. And it’s okay to remodel… but as you know, it’s hard to live through all that dust and disruption.
But for today, I’m using my virtual energy to send you the biggest, warmest, most soothing coffee drink you can imagine.
Comment from Vikki
Time January 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Jess – we will forge on, mostly because my friends are a persistent lot and will drag me along for the ride.
Debbie – I will tell Luisa that I have to buy a red mini cooper. You have hit on the clear answer 
Kelly – you are very sweet. Thanks for the pep talk and the grande decaf latte (full fat, of course).
Comment from Kristin
Time January 28, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Yoga will help you through this.
Comment from leigh
Time January 28, 2010 at 1:54 pm
vikki
thanks for posting…i have been wondering where you are – some of my thoughts: although i value education i am not certain that that is the answer – you know how to do academia … i am sending you a great article on grit!
peace
leigh
Comment from leigh
Time January 28, 2010 at 1:55 pm
ditto
i agree yoga
Comment from Dr. Ding
Time January 28, 2010 at 3:17 pm
I will gladly volunteer for Velveeta fort-building duty, if that would help. This is pretty much my dream come true.
Comment from Meredith
Time January 28, 2010 at 6:48 pm
I wish I had really sage words of advice but the only thing I’ve come up with is a suggestion: maybe self-publish the non-fiction writing on lulu.com? Hang in there!
Comment from Erin
Time January 28, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Books fall through all the time. All.the.time. And then you keep working and eventually they get caught. Keep working! And by the way, people who quote Hubbell Gardner are the best kind of people in the world.
Comment from angelina
Time January 28, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Even if this is ‘mid-life crisis’, it’s YOUR mid-life crisis, so it’s not trite. It sounds like you’ve decided to look for your challenge, and therefore your fulfillment; I’m sure you’ll know it when you see it. Or when you have to hack through forests with a machete to get to it. Hey, you did the arduous bike ride last year, maybe that was practice for stepping out of your comfort zone. You can do this. *hugs*
Comment from amyk
Time January 28, 2010 at 10:04 pm
Are you seriously STILL worrying about turning into a giant pat of butter?? At the very least, if you did there is very little danger of you melting.
Comment from Barb
Time January 29, 2010 at 6:00 am
Here’s my advice: Don’t make any major life decisions from January- March. I’ll meet you at the hammock in April. By then you’ll be focused on how we can make a hammock competition that will top slide climbing
Comment from Jenn
Time January 29, 2010 at 8:18 am
Dude, EVERYTHING I write is depressing. I have to get out to that hammock too and show you what a dazzler you are. “Malaise” is not the Vikki’s middle name. Proof: you know how to spell ‘caipirinha.’ Be still until your moxie returns. It will.
Comment from Vikki
Time January 29, 2010 at 8:26 am
Well, Luisa nixed the mini cooper idea. Interestingly, she didn’t say anything about the blonde…
Comment from Liz
Time January 29, 2010 at 5:24 pm
The first thing I thought when I read this is “She’s an out lesbian, I’m sure it hasn’t all been a bed of roses (so to speak)” – although if you add in the blonde that might be another story. You strike me as the sort who likes excitement: witness the toboganning video. It does seem that you long for a change in the career dept., and writing does seem to be a passion of yours. Of course, with kids, you have to worry about such mandane things as, you know, keeping them fed and clothed and maybe a roof over their heads. So, unless you win the lottery, or luisa is able to keep you and the kids in the style to which you have become accustomed, maybe keep your day job for the moment, but never give up on the writing. And there’s always a hair shirt for when you feel the need to “suffer”, although writer’s block, I’ve heard, is quite painful too. Good luck!
Comment from Ali B.
Time January 30, 2010 at 1:24 am
Your words, my life. This is how I feel every day, and I don’t know what to do about it.
Comment from Ms. Melom
Time January 30, 2010 at 10:00 am
You don’t find football depressing?
Comment from Kelly
Time January 30, 2010 at 9:37 pm
if all other paths fail to entice you…
Comment from susan
Time January 31, 2010 at 7:19 am
i just found out i didn’t get the bush fellowship so, my dear, you will see my working my ASS off to get this book a contract. speaking of which – can you print up the manuscript? i remembered last week that we were going to send it off to 10 Speed Press but we never printed it up. Can you do that at (shhhhh) work?
Comment from Deborah
Time February 4, 2010 at 11:35 pm
There’s a reason why there are so many alcoholics in cold countries. You need a break from winter! But, if you can’t manage to get to a sandy beach before June, I recommend picking up a new hobby-like hook rugs. No?
Hang in there! It’s almost peep season!!
Comment from Mrs. Basement
Time February 5, 2010 at 6:42 am
Hello, Social worker friend. I for one would love to hear more about the specifics of your job, the options you see, the work you would have to do, the risks you would have to take and what it might all get you. Being a younger social worker who really wants to try very hard to be a crazy old white lady social worker, I am currently fascinated by the auto-career-biographies of older wiser social workers, no matter how burned out ;}
Comment from Mel
Time February 5, 2010 at 9:28 am
I love it! Whether you make changes or not it’s good to hear about someone else struggling with these questions. Thanks for your honesty. And I agree with everyone. Even though I always want to jump into something, anything new that takes my mind away from the hard place, be still for a bit longer. Sit with it. You’re amazingly creative, smart and talented you will find where you’re supposed to be when the time is right.
Comment from Jess
Time January 28, 2010 at 10:57 am
I have yet to hit my “mid-life crisis” but I’m sure it is lurking around the corner. I too typically take the path of least resistance, but more so, my partner does. She is also in a job that is not so satisfying and yet, she does not really care to go back to school and do something different. I try to tell her that it’s never too late to do the things you want to do. I went back to school at the age of 27 and will continue until I am satisfied with a particular level of achievement. I attend classes with men and women that are in their 60′s, going back to school to get their degree so they can get a better job and be more comfortable in retirement. Or, they are going back to school because they HAVE retired and they need something to do. It’s all in the way you look at it I guess. I don’t really have any suggestions for you, other than to keep persevering. If you want that manuscript published, then send it to any and all publishers, even if you don’t think they will have an interest. Just because you don’t think they will, doesn’t mean that they won’t. This is an obvious suggestion which I am certain you are already aware of, but it never hurts to hear or read it from other individuals to get you goin.