The One In Which I Relay Important Things…

IMG_1179It would appear that I took last week off from blogging. Chalk that little vacation up to Weather Anger and Winter Bitterness and the fact that every day with subzero temperatures and/or snow makes me snowmotional.

In addition to my intolerance of the season, I have been writing offline and working on things related to Listen to Your Mother.

I also re-injured my shoulder/back/neck and spent the weekend on a heating pad and smelling like Ben Gay. (“I been gay forevah!” or feel free to insert your own Ben Gay joke here).

But there are some random things I want to share with you so I dragged my sorry self back to the computer for these news flashes (some are newsworthy, most are not – so lower your expectations):

Saturday night, Luisa and the kids went to visit friends while I limped around the house feeling like an 80 year old man. I was so bored that I peeled and ate an orange. This is of note because I do not like to peel oranges or any fruit really which is why I prefer bananas and berries. Bananas and berries are the fruits of my people…my people being lazy people who don’t like to get their hands messy. So, I had an orange and the orange was so tasty that I felt my whole life change in that moment. I might even have another one today. It’s a BRAVE NEW WORLD!

Last night, I started feeling a little better and I made strawberry muffins for the urchins of Casa de Fox. I rocked those muffins like a Hunchback Betty Crocker. I was so domestic that I spent all of my dream time last night test driving Toyota Sienna Minivans. Luisa was not in my dream which even Dream Vikki thought was problematic. The car dealer was giving me the hard sell and all I could think was, “Where is Luisa? Why is she not stopping me from impulsively buying a minivan?” The other weird part was that all the minivans were green and I was totally fine with that which, in real life, I would not be. I only drive black or silver cars in real life. Dream Vikki was out of control.

If you have read this far, I want to assure you that I am not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is my brain on winter.

Now, to the truly newsworthy…

The deadline for submissions for Listen To Your Mother is this Friday, February 15, 2013!

  • Written submissions are open now through February 15, 2013. Send us your stories –
  • Auditions (live readings) will be held March 2nd (and continued on March 9th if needed)
  • The show is scheduled for May 9, 2013 at 7pm at the historic Riverview Theater in Minneapolis.

FAQ about the show

Tickets will be available soon through Eventbrite!

Videos of past shows elsewhere

Submit! Get ready to buy tickets! Watch videos! Shop for minivans!

Actually, don’t shop for minivans. Well, unless you were going to do that already.

Now…who wants an orange! Peels on me!

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12 Responses to The One In Which I Relay Important Things…
  1. Heather
    February 11, 2013 | 12:06 pm

    You’re KILLING me.

    Oranges are not only messy, but STICKY messy, which brings them to a whole new level of annoying.

    Ryan and I sat down to go through all the mail piles…there were bills and All The Other Things and it was so terrifying and he asked “why haven’t you been giving any of this to me?” and I was all, because it’s just too scary.

    To give them to me?


    Only you will understand that.


    • Vikki
      February 11, 2013 | 12:10 pm

      I COMPLETELY understand.

  2. Bionic
    February 11, 2013 | 12:15 pm

    Oranges are also suspect for lesbians, I think, because they are very hard to peel with short fingernails. Not cool, oranges. You are not the only fruit, hear me?

    • Vikki
      February 11, 2013 | 12:18 pm

      I agree with this assessment as well. Luisa peels oranges with a knife but I’m not that coordinated. I’d probably cut off my hand or stab myself in the heart or, you know, get a little cut on my pinkie finger.

  3. Arnebya
    February 11, 2013 | 12:26 pm

    Oh, oranges. We has us a love/kiss my ass relationship. My middle daughter adores them. She needs help still with the peeling of the orange and I want to shout at her that I’m not the one eating the orange so why must I also have orange-smelling fingers?

    I’m auditioning for the DC LTYM this Saturday. I have nothing written. SOMEONE HELP ME (and rub Ben Gay on my back because ouch.)

    Dream Arnebya is always out of control. Always.

  4. Shannon
    February 11, 2013 | 1:23 pm

    Wait. Do you eat bananas with the peel on?

    Also, snowmotional. I’m stealing that word.

  5. Deb Rox
    February 11, 2013 | 2:42 pm

    Bionic just won, forever.

    There is so much in that dream Vikki! Days of things to be processed from that dream.

    Maybe cut the oranges into nice quarters? Pretend you are a first grader just off the soccer field after scoring your first goal?

  6. Kelly
    February 11, 2013 | 4:07 pm

    “This is my brain on winter.”

    This is my new favorite phrase. And totally what happens to my head from November until the trees bud again.

  7. Lady Jennie
    February 13, 2013 | 1:43 am

    Buying green minivans AND peeling oranges? Goodness Vikki – whatever has come over you? 😉

    Speaking of sub-zero, my husband was asked to travel to Minneapolis for 6 weeks!!!!!!! to work on a project. I hope he won’t have to go, leaving me to 3 kids and a dog and death by chocolate. I told him that if it were anywhere but MN in February, I would insist that his company bring us all for a little vacation.

    But since it IS Minnesota in February, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

  8. Galit Breen
    February 20, 2013 | 4:30 am

    Totally. NEVER buy green minivans and YAY for oranges! xo

  9. Jason
    February 21, 2013 | 4:25 pm

    “…Ben Gay. (“I been gay forevah!” or feel free to insert your own Ben Gay joke here)”

    OK, not so much a joke as a personal anecdote about a Ben Gay joke instance…a few years ago during my roller derby refereeing days I would get sore enough to need to use the product. One night I slathered some on and walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom and Renee asked “what is that smell”?

    Naturally I replied…Ben Gay…

    And she starts her hysterical laughter, which actually more resembles her dying of asphyxiation as she stops breathing, her face gets bright red and she just sits there convulsing. For 5 minutes. And I don’t understand, because all I said was literally “Ben Gay” which isn’t inherently funny and she didn’t say anything at all, but something was obviously hilarious.

    And I was even more confused when she was finally able to talk again, I asked her what was so funny? She asks naturally and with no other context, “for how long”? By this time I had forgotten that 5 minutes ago I had said the words “Ben Gay” and wouldn’t have gotten the joke anyway because I somehow made it to my late 30’s without ever having heard a “Ben Gay…for how long” joke!

  10. Lily
    May 2, 2013 | 11:00 pm

    You know you hate peeling oranges when your coworker (whom you may or may not have trained to peel oranges for you) says “you’re peeling that yourself?!?!” when he sees you peeling a tangerine. At which point you think, “my father and my husband would have had the same reaction…”
    Clearly, I have the men in my life well trained.
    If I do have to peel citrus myself I do so with a peeler (like this: – but for heaven’s sake, *not* $6!). It’s still sticky, but at least I don’t get peel under my nails.

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