Shortly after we moved into our house in 1996, Luisa and I hung a rainbow flag off the front of our house. It felt like staking a claim – we were creating a home together – and every day I’d come home from work and smile as I saw that flag fluttering in the wind.
And then one day, we came home to find that the flag had been burned.
I could not believe that someone would walk into my yard and set that flag on fire, could not fathom that kind of hate. So, I stood under a cloudless sky and wondered aloud if the flagpole had been struck by lightning.
I have always had an irrational belief in the goodness of people.
This story came back to me this morning as I drove my kids to school and the conversations turned to the anti-marriage amendment once more. They talked about the most recent polls and the places they have spotted “Vote Yes” yard signs.
The discussion is inescapable.
Yes, I want to marry my partner – not because it will change our lives but because it means something to our kids. But, I also know that the anti-marriage amendment is about more than marriage. It is meant to frighten and divide us. It is meant to drive conservatives to the polls in a presidential election year. It diverts our money and attention from the real issues of poverty, housing and health care.
It is a distraction.
It distracts all of us from the the broader issues and it distracts me from my family.
That is the irony here. While people around the state talk about whether or not I should have the right to marry my partner, we are busy raising a family.
The kids need pants now that the weather has turned colder. We are out of bread. The kids have soccer practice and martial arts classes and guitar lessons. There is homework that needs to be done. We have a fundraiser for the kids’ school that we need to plan. Parent-Teacher conferences are coming up. Both kids need haircuts. There is laundry to do and we really need to clean out the fridge.
I am tired in all the ways that parents are tired. I am tired from balancing work and family. I am tired from the sleep lost when your children have insomnia or nightmares. I am tired from early mornings and late nights and trying to get everything done.
And I’m tired in ways that only some parents know. I’m tired of my relationship and family being used as political tools. I’m tired of feeling guilty because I should be doing more to fight. I’m tired of explaining anti-marriage billboards and yard signs to my children, of trying to help them make sense of bigotry. I’m tired of having to reassure my children that no matter how people vote on the marriage amendment, we will be fine. I’m tired of trying to teach my kids compassion and kindness when they see so little shown to their family.
After the election, no matter what the results, I will get up in the morning and love my partner. I will wake my kids and make them breakfast and take them to school and tell them I love them.
Nothing will change.
I will remain defiantly optimistic. I will still be the kind of person who can stand beneath a cloudless sky and believe that the flames licking at my heels are caused by lightning. Because, when I can no longer do that, when I can no longer tell my kids that people are basically good, that’s when I’ll know I’ve truly lost.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
As another tired overworked parent, albeit in a happy hetero marriage, I’m sorry you have to bear the addition burden of not having you and your family’s choices supported. You know, in the long run, we are all just trying to do our best for our kids and live happy productive lives. We are voting no, and have put money where our mouths are. Best wishes to you and your family
Thank you for all of this – the reading, commenting, voting and good wishes. I wish the best for your family too.
Our system is so broken in so many ways. Everything needs a complete overhaul. I loved your post and how much feeling you put into it.
Yes it is. Not for just my family but for so many more.
Vikki, wow. I remember seeing you read your post about your personal style and how it has evolved (man, the writing!!) at BlogHer and you’ve bottled magic again here. I’d like to believe your flag was hit by lightening, too
How awful that you, your partner and your kids have to endure this meanness, this worst part of human nature.
Thank you this message, so eloquently and compellingly told. Off to share!
Thank you! Honestly, I wasn’t sure I could bottle that magic again
Totally moved by your story and inspired my your optimism.
I love how you eloquently call this bigotry a distraction about the real issues – could not be more true!
Thank you for writing an amazing post.
Thank you. All of these comments mean a lot.
Beautiful!
we were just talking about this in my book group tonight. Thank you for this post, for speaking the raw truth about the distraction of hate, and the permanence of love. I wish that the second kind of tired didn’t happen any more.
Seriously. Parents need more naps.
I believe that people are good too and that’s why I just know that eventually we’ll get to equality. It’s just that all the distractions make it take so much longer than it should and I’m sorry for that. It shouldn’t be a fight. This is beautifully written.
As a Christian let me say that I am sorry. This hatred is not born of the Jesus I follow.
Hi Vikki,
I loved what you read at BlogHer – I wanted to say that first. It made me tear up.
Alexandra sent me here after reading my most recent post called The Reverse Prejudice where I talk about my perspective as a fundamental Christian, who believes that the Bible is the guide for how God wants us to live, but who is ashamed at being associated with Christians who hate. I talk about my desire for us all to be less judgmental, no matter what we believe.
I don’t know if I treated the subject well, but I would never ever burn your flag. I’d bring you a cherry pie instead. And I hope you would still be up for giving me a hug at BlogHer despite our differing views.
Make it a lemon meringue pie and I’ll give you that hug
They say lightning doesn’t strike twice – perhaps we all need to do a little bit more to make sure it doesn’t
Thank you, Vikki.
You commented!
Beautifully said — your children are so fortunate to have you and Luisa as parents.
Thank you Ms. Finnegan.
You and your family are beautiful and I don’t remotely understand how anyone could possibly vote yes. I don’t. I hate it. I hate that it’s even something that’s up for consideration. And you’re right nothing will actually change in your family, your love for Louisa will stay the same, except now a piece of paper says you’re less than me and don’t deserve the same rights. And that’s just simply not true.
You are such a good writer, Vikki, and obviously a wonderful partner and parent. Stay the course and keep believing. Things have changed for the good in your lifetime and will continue to change for the good,in spite of people who strive to set the clock back.
Thank you.
So much of why I blog is because we are a two mom family just doing all the regular stuff that all families do. We pack lunch. We buy groceries. We miss work for a parent teacher conference. We hug our kid a little too tight sometimes. There’s part of me that hopes that my regular stories of being regular people will help others see us as just that. And maybe they will use their vote to protect us. To protect our families. So we can just continue being regular.
We went through this HARD in 2004 here in Massachusetts. We were the first, so it was AWFUL. The hate was everywhere. Our friends, our families, they were all there in the middle of it. And not on our side. It was bad. I am so thankful to be in a place where we are done with that for now. Done walking to the store and having to work our way through a fighting crowd of hate just to get lunch.
Part of me is glad it will be over soon, one way or another, so we can just get back to where we were. But of course, I know, we do still need to fight. Like you, though, I’m tired.
This was such a lovely but heartbreaking thing to read. I think you and Luisa are amazing role models as parents, a loving couple, and community centered people.I know it is tiring to do what you do,but I am so proud to have family members who fight so hard for equality while demonstrating exactly why marriage equality is important. I am glad Emilia is growing up with aunties like the two of you.
Kisses to all of you but especially Emelia
Some Aunt! I spelled her name wrong. Portuguese is hard.
I misspelled her name in an email right after she was born, but I blame it on the pain killers. It is also the Swedish spelling. Emilia send kisses back to you.
What a world … where love and family is trailblazing and *radical* … and civil rights are on a ballot … on the positive side, there’s no question your kids will affect the future.
Yeah…I’ll probably never get over the whole majority voting on the rights of a minority thing.
This made me cry it was so good. I’ll have to come back later with a real comment!
That is a real comment!
Thank-you Vikki. I found your blog through my dear friend Cheri, who teaches at the Loft. This is incredibly powerful.
Thank you for commenting Sara. I’m so lucky to be able to call Cheri my mentor.
Parenting and life-long partnership are hard enough without having to endure constant attacks on the validity of the very life you’re creating together. I want my children to grow up understanding that families come in many different configurations – all of which are equal and entitled to the same rights and respect.
I try to imagine what my already-difficult life with two kids would be like if my husband and I were prevented from marrying. . . if our children were constantly told by the community that our relationship was wrong. . . that our family was somehow substandard. . . and I am lost for words. No one should have to feel like you do.
What a great post. I’ve shared it everywhere – so thankful to know someone who can articulate the every day reality of this silly hateful political campaign. So honored to know you and your family and all that you share with our community.
This made me cry. Optimism for the win. I hope that when I have kids these sort of difficulties are things of the past..
I came to read this post following a link on the Facebook page of one of my biological daughter’s moms (Elizabeth). When I was pregnant (and just starting college, and scared to death) connecting with the wonderful women who would become my daughter’s parents helped me see what a blessing the turn my life had taken was. I’m always enormously comforted to remember that such a feeling of hopelessness could turn out to be the root of even greater joy. For what it’s worth, that’s what I thought of, reading this. Thank you
shocking and amazing post. you are a terrific
person. love that I found your website. keep
writing! thnx.
sassygirl. :p
Wonderful story. Wonderful writing.
Thank you for opening my eyes to a thought I hadn’t considered. I have tried to understand what it must be like for partners to watch and listen to decisions being made for or against them, but I never thought of children having to wonder and worry about what ramifications these things could have on their families.
Defiant optimism! Believe in the good, however irrationally! The day when we wake up expecting our rainbows to have been burnt out of the sky, it’s over.
~ Sending love and support from a hotbed of conservative hickdom ~
Beautiful. Stay strong — people ARE good.
What outstanding writing. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Here via the Empress. I am sorry for that encounter with ignorance. I hope you stay optimistic. I am optimistic with you. It’s a basic civil rights issue you are talking about, and I do believe we will get there. None of us are free until all of us are free.
I have no words (which is unusual for me).
I just wanted you to know that I read and loved and applauded for and loved some more your words, your belief in goodness, and your fierce fight.
Proud to be shoulder-to-shoulder with you.
(I guess I had *a few* words.
)
Wow. Thanks to Dorothy Snarker for posting the link. This was just a beautiful. The Dr. Martin Luther King quote really resonates as well. Thank you.
Hi Vikki,
I might be a lone conservative here, but wanted to comment anyway. I believe that all of God’s children are richly loved by him, no matter who they are (you, your kids, your partner, the flag burner, the politicians, the voters, all the people
I also wanted to let you know that I’ve never been driven to the polls by an amendment to change marriage laws in either direction. I always vote and have never heard of the idea of using a hot button issue to drive voters in a presidential election year.
Have a wonderful day! Jill
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I believe that you have not been driven to the polls for this reason. But there are people out there who think of things like this and people who respond accordingly.
Vikki
I posted a link to this on my FB. Thought I would share a comment someone wrote:
This was a moving story. I posted it to my Facebook. I have to admit that I have been feeling some lack of hope of late, but if this family can remain hopeful I think that I will continue to battle those who are so small and frightened that they cannot open their arms to others.
Thanks for writing and sharing.
Thank you for sharing that with me!
[...] Popped A Fox: Beneath a Cloudless Sky (A powerful and honest post. I kinda feel the same about the election…I should care more, do [...]
I saw a link to your post and was so sad to read about your experiences. It wasn’t just the person who burned your flag, but that you have to vote against an amendment to take away a right you haven’t even been given yet. I live in Maryland, where we are voting on an amendment FOR marriage equality, and I feel so happy that I’m in a position to vote to give someone rights, not to take them away. I got marry my soul mate and best friend simply because he’s a man, and I will keep fighting to make sure that everyone else gets to marry their soul mate and best friend as well.
I read that out loud to my partner tonight.
Thank you for sharing, it was beautiful to read and resonates with both of us.
This is for encouragement. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IIgrU7iipk&feature=player_embedded
This is one of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read.
Thank you, for making a stand, for having a voice for us, and for speaking out.
Much love to you and your family xoxo
Thank you. Love to you and yours too.
Thank you so much for sharing. My partner and I have been together for nine years this November 6. We live in ultra-conservative East Texas, where it’s better to be a leper than gay (see
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Texas). Up until the last few years we had resolved to live a quiet life together, open only to our small circle of friends and some of my family. We never got into the whole gay rights thing, barely noticed when someone used a gay slur, and really weren’t convinced that we should even have marriage rights.
When our son came to be with us, we started to see ourselves as a family. And it started to bother us that others didn’t see it that way. One of the big wake-up calls we got was during our son’s adoption. Only I could adopt him, and there is no way to tie him to my partner other than to designate her as his caregiver in the event that I die. Then recently, the Chick-Fil-A debacle. Family, friends, coworkers boasting about how they went out and supported protection of “the family.” OUCH.
Seeing that there are other families out there like ours, who are fighting and speaking out, is incredibly encouraging. It is encouraging us to speak out too. We say that we don’t need a piece of paper to validate our love. But I find myself fantasizing about a wedding with our family and friends there smiling, a chance to declare our love for each other publicly once and for all. And an assurance that our son will always be OURS.
Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s having more of an impact than you think.
I never thought about, “It is meant to drive conservatives to the polls in a presidential election year.” You are very wise! LOVE this post! You have such a way with words.
[...] well written Beneath a cloudless sky via Up popped a [...]
[...] stances on social issues, the way they treat others, the side of history they land [...]
Ann Imig sent me to this post. I could’ve written most of this, so thank you for putting it out there.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Looks like optimism paid off this time…