Zeca came home from school one day and excitedly showed me a fuzzy blue ball of yarn that a classmate had given her. Let’s call this classmate Gertrude. Zeca said, “Gertrude taught me to knit and gave me this yarn so that I could get started on a scarf!” I made excited clucking noises as one does when one is a distracted parent or a barnyard chicken. She continued, “She told me that I will have to go get some more and the only place they sell this kind is at Joann Fabrics so can you please take me to Joann Fabrics right now?”
I went to Joann Fabrics once and I didn’t like it. It is an ugly place and there is too much linoleum and the staff are all bitter white ladies wearing clothes they made themselves (in questionable patterns, I might add) and they are just looking for an excuse to patronize you. Plus, the fluorescent lighting doesn’t do anyone any favors. So, Zeca’s request to go to Joann Fabrics made me anxious in the “I will fake my own death to get out of this” kind of way.
In my sweetest and non-cluckiest voice, I said, “I can’t take you today but we will go at some point.” She nodded her head adorably and bounded off.
Within a week, she had used all of the yarn she had and asked again if I could take her to Joann Fabrics and, again, I said, “I can’t take you today.” Unlike the previous time, she did not nod adorably. She sneered. A sneer from her was better than a sneer from the crazy ladies at Joann Fabrics so I was undaunted regarding my current course of avoidance.
Several weeks passed and I was running errands with a friend and she mentioned that she needed to stop at the Crafty Planet to get yarn. This was my chance – I would buy Zeca a bunch of super soft yarn in a variety of colors and she would forget all about Joann Fabrics! I spent $40 on gorgeous yarn and, later that evening, presented it to her like an offering.
She smiled and said, “Thanks Mom. I really appreciate it but I still want to get the blue yarn from Joann Fabrics.” That was it. I needed to put an end to this.
Me: Honey, I think it’s time to move on about Joann Fabrics.
Zeca: But I want to finish my scarf and I need the same yarn.
She looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and I did something I rarely do. I lied.
Me: Well, I went to Joann Fabrics earlier today and they didn’t have your yarn.
Zeca: They were out of it?
Me: Yep. All out.
Zeca: Weird. Gertrude came to school with several balls of it. She must have bought everything they had left.
Me (to Zeca): Yep.
Me (to myself): Sorry to pin the blame on you, Gertrude, but this has got to end and it ends today.
Me (to Zeca): Can we move on now?
She nodded sadly and went to knit with her expensive non-Joann Fabrics yarn. I had slayed the Joann Fabrics dragon! Huzzah!
A few days later, Zeca came home from school and said, “Mom! Gertrude came to school today with more of that yarn! They must have gotten more!”
Fucking Gertrude.
Me: I thought we had moved on.
Zeca: But I still want to finish that scarf. Can we please go to Joann Fabrics?
Me: I can’t take you today.
And we were right back where we started.
As Valentine’s Day approached, I realized that the perfect gift for her would be that damn yarn. So, I grabbed her unfinished scarf and drove to Joann Fabrics…except that, when I got to the store that I thought was Joann Fabrics, it was actually Hancock Fabrics and I realized I had no idea where Joann Fabrics was. I was so frustrated and – I have to be honest – I blamed Gertrude. This seemed like the perfect time to try out Siri on my fancy new iPhone.
Me: Where is the nearest Joann Fabrics?
Siri: I can’t help you right now. Try again later.
What?! Was she drinking gin and tonics and playing bridge with all the other Siris?
Me: Where is the nearest Joann Fabrics?
Siri: I can’t understand you.
This is not how it goes on the iPhone commercials.
Me (speaking slowly and with impeccable diction): Where. Is. The. Nearest. Joann. Fabrics?
She finally answered and I had to drive all the way from one undesirable suburb to another.
When I arrived, I dashed into the store, looked at no one and spoke to no one, wandered the aisles and finally matched the yarn. I briefly considered buying all of it so that I would never have to return but only bought four blobs of it.
On Valentine’s Day, I set the yarn out for Zeca with a box of chocolates and I was her hero for a day. Interestingly, she still hasn’t finished that scarf and the urgency seems to have passed. I’ve been given a reprieve.
I just hope Gertrude doesn’t take up bullfighting. We don’t have the space.
Next time have Gert get the name brand and color name and do what the real knitters do: Order it online.
I’ve been to Joann, been to Michaels, been to Linden Hills Yarn, been to Needlework Unlimited, etc, and none of them seem terribly friendly to me. I’m sure it’s a personal problem of my own, but I always get the impression people who work there assume that I couldn’t possibly pull of a successful craft project if my life depended on it. The Eyes of Crafty Judgement!!! Ahem. Yes, well…like I said…clearly a personal problem. Plus I get a lot of joy out of getting packages in the mail, so…
EYES OF CRAFTY JUDGEMENT! Yes!
Great expression. I will have to remember that the next time I venture into any sort of craft store, and it will empower me to stare down the eyes.
Haha. What a saga! You must really love that kid
I do. Gertrude? Not so much though.
I’m with Shelley. I’m even a smidge crafty, so I can usually hold my own in craft supply stores (unlike, say, an electronics store), and I still can’t stand the judgity vibe of yarn shops and JoAnn Fabrics. Getting packages in the mail is glorious by comparison, especially because the UPS driver is dreamy. Maybe I’ll go order some yarn right now.
I’ll go to the electronics store for you if you’ll go to the craft store for me.
It’s a deal. Especially because I need to buy a MacBook or iPad and I can’t decide which one and I have no idea what all the jargon means anyhow, as far as what comes with each and what I should add to each and how the hell anything works.
I’ll go to the craft store for you and you can buy the meat.
No! I’m not good at buying meat. Remember? I just leave the store if I can’t find it and then lie to Luisa and say the store was out!
Fucking Gertrude
Esther, that’s my takeaway from this as well.
Gertrude’s a bitch
Fucking Gertrude.
I just laughed so hard I woke the baby. <3
Yuck. JoAnn Fabric is a lousy store. I never ever go there. There are plenty of other choices. And Shelly is right about the Eyes of Crafty Judgment! And the judgity judgingness sucks.
So does Gert. She’s so Rude.
How long will it be until your family realizes that “I went there and the store was out of X,” is really just a bald-faced lie? I’m thinking not long
.
Gertrude sounds like a real pill.
It sounds like you were flirting with Siri … I don’t know how I feel about that.
What I got out of this was learning the technical term ‘blob’ for yarn….oh, and Fucking Gertrude.
So – I actually like Joann’s. Could be because the one here actually has hot girls. And by that I mean younger, edgy and with tattoos. Oh and one very nice butch who is always helpful. I need lots of help.
I’m a hands-on kind of person so I need to be in the store to decide what I want. And really as long as someone isn’t doing a high-pressured sales technique on me I’m good. One reason I hate electronic stores.
You should definitely not have Gertrude over for dinner. You never know what else she’ll set in motion!
My favorite part is the “blobs” of yarn. That’s what I’m going to call them now. Conveniently, it helps me to avoid mispronouncing skein. And on a related note…it’s well understood at our house that a trip to Michael’s is going to be a many-houred affair, given that it’s impossible to find anything and no one is there to help you because the 2 people who work there are both at checkout, and the wait at checkout is always absurdly long for no apparent reason.